Hey. It’s been awhile.

I had both stopped writing because I was happy and too unhappy to write. I once wrote something and then didn’t publish it. For someone else. Now? Now I don’t know what. About much of anything.

I titled this, ‘I Want to Quit’, because lately that’s what I want. To quit. To quit caring. To quit feeling. To quit putting other people first. To quit putting myself out there. For myself. Or for others. I want to stop chasing people. I just want to quit feeling sad and under appreciated. I want to quit self loathing. I want to quit being a giver and let someone give to me. I want to quit ‘trying’ to be happy and just be happy. Because when you’re with me, you most likely don’t know the difference anyway.

 

The problem with wanting to quit is, I just don’t know how.

I don’t know how to stop giving to other people and putting them first. I don’t know how to stop putting myself out there and trying to find someone to connect with. Or better yet. Someone to connect with me. I can connect with people easily. It’s in my nature. I live in that moment and forget all about whatever was bringing me down. But then I want that moment back. And when it’s not, I fall a little harder.

I’m not saying I fall in love with these people. Love is much stronger than that. But I connect. I feel like I’m someplace where two people can find a place to grow. I feel like I could spend some time with someone. Get to know someone.

And then it’s gone.

Not for me. Of course not. It’s never over for me. I once said to someone, ‘I have a revolving door for a heart.’. They disagreed and said, ‘Except you never let go, you always let them stay.’. And I guess that’s true. Even when someone hurts me, I let them back in. I then joked that, my heart is like Hotel California, “You can check out anytime you like, but you can never leave.”.

In the end, the only person that gets hurt is me. Sometimes, more than once. I’m not saying all or any do it on purpose, but what I am saying is, it hurts. Every time. And yet, I still won’t stop putting myself out there. Because I believe that’s how you find what you’re looking for or hoping for or wanting or what just happens to show up. By putting yourself out there. Not by building walls and closing doors. By giving life a chance to happen.

I’m an emotional being. I don’t ever not want to be an emotional person. Life is lived in all the highs and all the lows. It’s how we know we’re human. Taking chances with your heart will not work out more than it will, but it’s better than just coasting through life avoiding it. Just coasting isn’t a life, its just waiting for death. And I don’t have the patience for that.

Because both of these pictures are me and sometimes (most of the time), you only get to see the one on the left.