OK. So here’s the thing. I wrote a post (it’s written below this piece). It was about how I learned to not care so much. To not let things get to me. It was how I looked at myself. Mr. Ahhh Whatever.

I was going to post it and then I had a conversation with someone who probably knows me better than most and sometimes more than I know myself. What I realized was…I’m not really that person at all. That’s the person I like to think I am. Mr. Free will. Mr. I don’t care. Mr. Nothing bothers me.

Truth is? That’s not me. Not even close. I have all the feels. I wear my heart on my sleeve and everything I see, watch, do and have happen to me. Hits me. And hard most of the time.

I am able to spin it quick usually, but it was comes back. What I’ve also realized? I thought Midtown was a lot like me. Nothing fazes that kid Nd when it does, it’s not for very long. And when it’s gone? It’s gone. Like she doesn’t even have a clue you had a discussion with her kind of gone. I think I’m a little jealous of that to tell you the truth.

You know who’s like me? Uptown. That kid feels EVERYTHING. To a fault sometimes. So. Much. Drama. But now that I’ve woken up to that reality. Now I know I can handle her stuff better. I can help her more. Help her to deal with all the shit of feeling every emotion so damn much. She’s my mini me. Not the one I thought was. Not the one that could write you off before you even finish your sentence.

Damn. Maybe she can teach her pops how to let go better. For real. Not just on the surface. Maybe not. Maybe that’s just how we end up.

Either way. I learned something about myself and how to deal with my minions in a different way. A way that will help both them and me.

Now, Downtown? That one may just be the hardest nut to crack. She’s pieces of everyone and everything and you may never know which one you’re getting at any given time.

Parenthood is amazing. And sometimes you teach yourself more about you, then you teach them about anything.

Here’s the original piece…

I suffer (some still, but used to much more) from some serious confidence issues. I talked a really big game on the outside about how great I was or good-looking I thought I was. But the truth is, most of it was just an act.

I was never the best at anything. I was good at a lot of things, but the best? Nah, I was more of a worker bee. A foot soldier. A plug (hockey term for those of you who don’t know). And its been that way for as long as I can remember. I was one those cliché stories you hear about all the time. Too small for this. Too slow for that. Not strong enough for whatever. But damn did I have heart! Truth be told. I won most dedicated athlete in grade eight. True story.

Dedicated. Its like a consolation prize or a participation ribbon ain’t it?

I used to let everyone dictate how I felt about myself. Family. Friends. Always seemed like I was a step behind. Then one day, and you can laugh all you like, I watched the movie : Reality Bites. (I’m sure everyone has their “Reality Bites”) Ethan Hawke’s character had so many flaws, but he didn’t give a shit. He just went about his day on his terms. Lived his life the way he wanted to. Sure he was immature and lazy and had about zero drive. But he also gave zero fucks. Thats the part that got me. Why worry about what other people think of you? Why give a shit about the things you can’t control? Why drive yourself nuts wondering about the “what if” all the time? Just live and do and see what happens. If you can be happy. Then BE happy.

Now I don’t recommend going all in on that lifestyle. It can definitely lead to some seriously poor life choices. Lots of people do. I didn’t make too many, but I made enough to realize that I should probably smarten up. And don’t get me wrong, I still thought about what other people thought of me. I’m a people person. I like to be liked. I just worried about it less. I still had a temper and a pretty shitty one. And I had a short fuse, but I was able to turn the corner quicker. Get off that train derailment quicker. I didn’t go home and lock myself in my room and wonder how I could possibly make it through another day. I just…moved on.

If I could give advice to my teenage self, I’d tell me to watch that movie again. And again. And find another one to watch that makes you feel like that. Let go of that anger too. And when you grow up, watch them all again. Because every now and then you need a pick me up. A reminder maybe that you can’t control everything, but you can get through everything. You just have to remember to let go of that piece thats holding you down. It’s not tied to you. It only weighs you down if you let it.

So, “whats your glitch?”.