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So this post is hard to write. It shouldn’t be. Not at my age, but it is none the less. Guys aren’t supposed to feel these things or care about these things, but some of us do. Probably more than you’d imagine. And me? Well, as I’ve stated before, I have all the feels. This is a post about body image and my struggles with it. Growing up, and still now. Everyone talks about dad-bod and how’s it ok for guys to get them. We say that, but we’re all insecure about it underneath.

Do you know I didn’t feel comfortable in the change room until about a year ago? My whole life I either wouldn’t shower or when I finally started to, would hide as much as possible. I don’t necessarily lack confidence, but the over the top bravado is definitely more show than real. I finally realized it doesn’t matter what anyone thinks or says, hell, most of them aren’t paying attention anyway. The shit you let your mind control. It’s a terrible thing. It really is.

I’ve struggled for as long as I can remember with body image. I was always the shortest kid class. Weighed nothing. You could literally count every rib until I was probably in tenth grade. I got bounced around, bullied and over looked all the time. People thought I didn’t eat, but that couldn’t have been farther from the truth. I ate like a machine. I just never stopped moving and had amazing metabolism.

I wanted to play football in highschool and did. One year of junior. Never played hardly at all. Coaches had no faith in the little guy who didn’t play in grade nine. I was relegated to the bench and got to see a handful of plays all year. Nothing like feeling invisible to make you not want to go out again. Two years later I was asked to play senior by my gym teacher, also coach of the senior team, but I declined. Didn’t feel like standing on the sidelines again.

When I got to college I started to enjoy the life of drinking on a regular basis. It was college, right? You want to kill your metabolism? That’s a good start. I was finally putting on weight, but not the way I wanted to. Now don’t get me wrong. I was never the fattest guy anywhere I was. Not by a long shot. But I wasn’t happy with my image either. It was and I guess is, a constant battle.

I slowly put on weight over the years until I ballooned up to 225lbs. Not what you want for a 5’9″ frame. It was mostly belly, but you could see it my face too. A lot. I never noticed how much until I decided to start losing weight. Man, was I fat. I used to make jokes like “fat kid needs to eat.” I knew it was because I was trying to make light of how big I thought I was, but if I joked about it, then maybe it wasn’t real. Or as bad. And the people around me always disagreed with me. And to top it off, most of my family is overweight. It’s their prerogative, but it makes it easy to be overweight when those around you are too. In a lot of ways I wish the people closest to me hadn’t let me think all was well for as long as they did. Maybe I would have made the changes sooner. But that’s on me, but them.

Look at the size of my face there.

I’ve since lost about 50lbs, but I fluctuate between 175 and 185 most of the time. Still not happy with my image. But I feel good about me. I know it’s all up to me to change it, but I have so much trouble getting motivated to just work out. I would play hockey or tennis everyday if I had the time, but a straight work out? Strength training? So boring. I need competition. I’m still trying to get better at that. Have more of a compete against myself mentality.

I’ve lost the majority of any weight I’ve ever lost by changing my diet. It’s not as hard as some people might make it seem. I’m currently on a cleanse of sorts where I’m not eating any added sugar, grains or drinking any alcohol. It’s harder to not want to eat that ice cream than it is to not have a beer. Even after hockey.

I gave myself a two week run. It passes through thanksgiving though, so I’m still deciding whether or not I’m going to break the food part for two days and then continue it for a week after. The no alcohol has a deadline of October 16th and if I don’t go to the Craft Beer Festival in town, maybe it will go past it. But I plan on going. It’s the CRAFT BEER FESTIVAL!

I like me. I’ve put time in to get from where I was to here. I’m still working. Never too hard. But I’m trying to work harder. Hockey, yoga and better eating. I’m being healthier. Maybe I’ll get there one day. But I’m not going to lose any sleep over it.